Animals With Four Legs
Teacher: Wendy , name an animal with four legs.
Wendy: “Two chickens.”
Mike is very late for class on afternoon. His teacher questions him:
“What happened? Why are you so late?”
“I was attacked by gunmen.”
“ Oh, my God! Did they hurt you?”
“ No, but they stole my homework.”
During a parachute jumping training session, the coach addresses those who will be jumping for the first time.
“Don’t worry. Your parachutes will open automatically and you will fall to the ground slowly.”
A student asks uneasily, “what should I do if my parachute doesn’t open?”
“Just exchange it for a new set.”
A teacher asks her students to write a composition on the topic “What is laziness?”
After class, the teacher corrects papers and comes across one with nothing written on the first and second pages. Finally, on the third page a single sentence is written: “This is laziness.”
Teacher: “George, what is the most often used phrase by students today?”
George: “I don’t know.”
Mother and Daughter
A teacher writes to the parents of one of her pupils: “Linda is too talkative in class. Do you know of any reason for this behavior?”
When Linda’s father reads her teacher’s note, he responds: “Dear Madam, all will be explained when you meet Linda’s mother.”
No Escaping School
Teacher: “Frank! You try to get out of school everyday from Monday to Saturday. Can’t you pick event just one day to stay in school?”
Frank: “OK. How about Sunday?”
Tomorrow I will give a geography lesson, so I asked Sam, one of my students, to do me a favor. “When you go home, can you please call and leave a message on my answering machine to remind me to be bring a word map tomorrow? I have so many things to do. I am afraid that I will forget.”
When I reached home in the evening, I played the messages in my recorder. This is the message Sam left for me: “Teacher, I forget what should I remember. However if you still remember, please don’t forget it.”
In chemistry class, the teacher asks: “If an iron bar is placed outside and is exposed to the air for a long time, it will get rusty. What will happen if a gold bar is placed outside?”
Student answers: “It will be stolen.”
A teacher is telling the story of how gravity was discovered to her students. She said, “One day Sir Isaac Newton was sitting underneath an apple tree, when an suddenly apple fell down on his head. And that’s how discovered gravity. You see how wonderful it is.”
“Right! ” a student, exclaimed. “See, if he was sitting in the classroom and looking at a book, he would have discovered nothing!”
Don’t Blame The Child
Father: How is Bill’s grade in his history exam?
Mother: Not so good. But we shouldn’t blame him. The questions were all about things that happened before our poor child was born!
Don’t Deserve It
Before graduation, a student with a very poor school record told his English teacher: “Thank you, sir. I appreciate you very much. Though I have graduated, I will always consider you my teacher. If there is anything I can do for you, please don’t hesitate to tell me.”
“Well, there is one thing you can do for me…” The teacher answers. “Never tell anyone that I taught you English.”
A teacher gets upset with some noisy female students: “You ladies! Just two one of you are equal to a thousand ducks!”
Not long after the teacher’s mother comes to school. A girl reports to the teacher quickly: “Sir, there are 500 ducks looking for you outside.”
What’s The Difference
Teacher: What is the difference between a creditor and debtor?
Student: A creditor has a better money than a debtor does.
A student always wants to play basketball event during the class. He watches the basketball court out of the window once in a while.
The teacher criticizes him: “Are you aware of what you are doing? Your body in the classroom, but you hurt is on the basketball court!”
Enlightenment and Miracles
The teacher wants to enlighten David about miracles. She asks: “when someone falls down from the top of the highest church but he is not injured at all, what do we call this?”
“An accidental phenomena.” David answers.
“Maybe you don’t understand what I mean. Think about it again. If a person falls from a high building for the second time and again he is unscathed, what would you call it?”
“Think again. If this guy falls down from the same place for the third time and is still not harmed in any way, what would we call that?”
“That would make it a bad habit.”
Teacher: “Which tooth grows out at the last?”
Student: “A false tooth.”
When Ronald attend History class on Monday he suddenly remembers that he is supposed to submit a very important paper which he has not yet done.
Nervously he goes to his professor and apologizes: “I’m sorry, sir, but last weekend I visited my girlfriend and forgot to do my homework.”
The professor answers severely: “Ronald. Which is more important: History or your girlfriend?”
“Sir, if I didn’t visit her, my girlfriend would become history.”
The teacher wants to give her class a lesson on honesty, so she assigns her class to read Chapter 10 of their textbook.
The next day she asked her those students who read the assignment to raise their hands. Almost all the students in the class raise their hands.
“Ok, children, it seems you have a lot to learn about honesty,” the teacher tells her students. “You see, your textbook does not have a Chapter 10.”
His teacher asks John: “What important event happened in 1809?”
John answers: “Abraham Lincoln was born”
Teacher : “Very good. Then what happened in 1812?”
John : “Abraham Lincoln turned three years old.”
Mother: “How is your teacher?”
Child: “Not so good. It seems that he knows nothing.”
Child: “Really! Because whenever we have class, he’s the one who always asks the questions?”
Student: “Sir, why is this apple red on side and green on the other side?”
Teacher: “That is because the sun shines on one side one the apple, but does not on the other side.”
Student: “Oh, I understand. The pulp of a watermelon is red. That must be because the sun goes inside the watermelon.”
A professor asks his examinee: “Tell me, what is logic?”
The examinee answers: “Simple. Here’s an example of logical thinking: It is impossible that a professor does not know what logic is.”
Must Be A General
During an examination , a student tells the teacher: “I forgot to bring my ballpen.”
Teacher says: “How can you do that? If a soldier goes to war without his gun, how can we call him soldier?”
Student answered: “If he forgot his gun then he must be a general.”
A teacher made her students write a composition with the topic “If I were a millionaire.”
She sees that one her student , Eric, has not started writing , so she asks him, “Why don’t you write the composition?”
Eric answers cheerfully: “I’m already a millionaire so I don’t need to write the composition anymore!”
The teacher tells this story to her class: “The first American President, George Washington, made a mistake in cutting down a cheery tree planted by his father. However, Washington recognized his mistake with courage, and his father did not punish him. Who can tell me why Washington was not punished?”
Student answers: “Probably because he still had the axe in his hand.”
Teacher: Why can’t the results of your exam be as good as the results of your basketball game?
Student: My teammates and I cooperate when we play basketball. We can’t cooperate when we are taking an exam.
Teacher: Please tell me which nation in the world has the most population?
Student: The United Nations.
Teacher: “Madam, please make sure that your sun has a thorough bath at home. None of his classmates want to sit beside him. They can’t bear his smell!”
Mother: “What does taking a bath have to do with anything? I send my son to school so he can learn, not be smelled!”
Smith has been in primary school for one year, but he still cannot count to more than 10.
His teacher asks him worriedly, “If you can only count from 1 to 10, what will you be when you grow up?”
Smith replies, “I can became a boxing referee. He only needs to count up to 10!”
Gerry is spacing out in English class when his teacher suddenly calls on him.
Teacher: “Gerry, can you tell me two pronouns?”
Gerry, as if awakening from a dream: “ Who? Me?”
Presidential Order No. 1
“If you become president what is the first thing you would do?”, the teacher asks a student.
A student quickly raises his hand and answers: “Cancel our homework!”
A Better Teacher
A teacher tells her student: “When I was your age I already knew a lot of words.”
The student answers: “That was because you had a better teacher.”
A professor asks an intelligent five-year old boy: “Which day is your birthday?”
The boy answers: “April 7.”
The teacher tells the students in her class: “Listen, you will have a open exam tomorrow morning for the first time. You can bring any reference material, such as your textbook, a dictionary, etc.”
Upon hearing this, James jumps out of his seat and shouts: “Any reference material? That’s wonderful! That mean I can bring my father!”
A teacher asks: “Who can tell me what the four elements in the natural world are?”
Roger raises his hand and answers: “The first is air, the second is soil, the third is fire, the fourth is…”
“What is the fourth element? I’m sure you know what it is. What do you use to wash your face and hand everyday?”
The words enlighten Roger. He answers with confidence: “The fourth element is soap!”
A normal college is recruiting new students. The teacher asks an applicant in the interview: “Why do you want to be a teacher?”
The applicant answers: “When I was small I was determined to become a great person when I grew up. But I was in high school I felt that it is too hard to become a great person. So I changed my dream to becoming the wife of a great man. But now I understand that I have very little chances of becoming the wife of a great man. So I changed my mind again and determined to become a teacher of a great person.”
The applicant was accepted .
Teacher: “Mathematics is a science. A science is beyond all doubt. For example, one person needs 10 days to build a house. If 10 persons work together they can set up the house just a day.”
Student: “I see. A ship needs 10 days to cross the Pacific Ocean. No doubt, according to this reasoning, if 10 ships go together, they can achieve the magnificent feat of crossing the Pacific Ocean within a day.”
“Ellen, would prefer to sit with a girl or boy?” The teacher asks a new student.
Ellen answers: “ It doesn’t matter, as long as her or she does homework!”
“I suggest you watch the partial solar eclipse tonight,” an astronomy teacher told her class.
“On which channel?” a student asked.
Talking to Herself
“Our teacher often talks to herself.”
“Our teacher is the same. He keeps up torrential flow of words on class. He thinks that we are listening.”
Who Discovered America?
The teacher asks her: “This is a world map. Who can point out where is America?” Jack goes to the front of the map and points out the position of America.
Then the teacher asks: “Tell me children, who discovered America?”
The children answer: “Jack.”
Mathematics teacher: “…Finally we arrive at the solution: X equal to zero.”
Student: “What a pity! We have wasted time.”